Twitterpated
by PSITeleport
Summary: Every guy in Konoha is in love, and all Shikamaru needs is someone to help him clean out his shed! Is that too much to ask? Why do guys always drop their friends for girls? A fluffy, gooey, first-kiss one-shot. Shika/Tema, with Kiba/Ino & Naru/Saku.


**A/N 8-10-09:** Woe is me. I've been too depressed to work on anything dramatic, so I whipped up this fluffy story as self-therapy. And I think it worked! I'm getting pumped for _Arranged_ again, rather than dreading it, which was my goal. As is obvious from the title/summary, this plot is based largely on the scene from Bambi when the three friends fall in love. (Ahem...with female animals. Not each other.) I have NO idea what possessed me to write this; I haven't seen Bambi since I was six, y'all. I can't get through it because I know what's going to happen to his mom, and...yeah. But one thing I haven't forgotten about it, in twenty-one years, is that Thumper's girlfriend is HOT. And way too seductive for a kid's movie. To this day I can still hum the little tune that she's singing when she seduces Thumper; she had that much of an influence on six-year-old me. There's a scene in Bambi that strongly influenced the final scene of this story; I'll hotlink to the picture in my profile if anyone is interested. So, so cute. It's not a direct allegory, though; Shikamaru is Bambi, not Thumper.

Also, the Kiba/Ino in this fic was influenced by Jan Lee. As far as I'm concerned, she created this pairing, at least this version of them. So if you like them you should check out her stuff. I command it!

So please read and review, and if you're following _Arranged_ please let me know in the review and encourage me to get back on it. This depression needs to GO, and you, my friends can be a big part of its going! :D

Thanks!

* * *

**Twitterpated**

It was spring, and probably the most perfect day Shikamaru had ever seen. Ridiculously picturesque, with thick but isolated clouds that moved quickly across the sky, throwing shadows onto him as he walked and leaving him one moment in the sunshine, the next in shade. The humidity was a little high, even for spring, and he could see darkness in the distance that signaled spotty showers here and there, something else that he loved. But it didn't matter. This day, the clouds, the fresh smell of rain and grass, all might be totally wasted on an afternoon of drudgery. No lying on his back on top of the academy building, staring into the blue. No leisure. No Sunday off.

Instead, he would be spending the day in the deer shed, a dark, cramped, dilapidated building that generations of Naras had stored their tools in, but that no generation had ever gotten around to organizing. It had been a particular frustration for his mother over the years, and this spring, she'd finally snapped. She'd ordered Dad to "take care of it," and he'd deftly passed that buck to Shikamaru.

But at least he was going to be paying him, and Shikamaru had a plan. He didn't really care about the money so much as he did getting the job over with and having at least part of the day to himself. He'd be better off finding a few guys to help him, splitting the money three or four ways, and moving on with his life. He might still have a couple of hours to cloud watch if he did it that way.

So it was with this goal that he headed into a more populous area of the village, keeping his eyes peeled for possible coworkers with an interest in cash. He didn't bother going to Chouji's house, even though he would have been Shikamaru's first choice; the guy had been spending a lot of time with some village girl, the daughter of a baker or something, and was completely useless for anything now days. The way Chouji talked he was one step away from getting married and starting a family, which sounded absurd coming from a seventeen-year-old guy. And nothing could have frustrated Shikamaru more. It was illogical. Chouji hardly knew the girl; she was nobody as far as Shikamaru was concerned. They'd been seeing each other...what...two weeks? Three? And, yet, there went Chouji, jumping off into the deep end. He was no longer available for training, or just hanging out with a bag of chips between them. Half the time, Shikamaru was surprised to see him show up for missions.

It was depressing. A perfectly decent friend, rendered brain dead by his hormones or romantic ideals or whatever it was that had caused him to fall so blindly. And now, most of the time, it just felt like he was...gone.

And it had been so sudden. One day Chouji was acting like himself, always up for anything Shikamaru wanted to do, and the next he was only interested in his girlfriend. And, as far as Shikamaru could tell, they weren't even doing anything. The times he'd run across them in town, they were always just sitting around, _staring_ at each other. And that was wrong. There was no reason for a guy to lose himself in a girl that way. Someone with a healthy self-image should be more than capable of enjoying the company of a female without abandoning everything that made him an individual. He would never understand why so many people were so desperate to merge with someone else until they were no longer recognizable as two distinct human beings.

Lee had gone a similar way. Lee would have been a great choice to help with this job; he had an abundance of energy and an ambitious spirit, and probably would have done the work of three guys, all on his own. But now he could only be found with Tenten, and trying to distract him from her "youthful beauty and strength" was a challenge that Shikamaru didn't have the time or motivation for at the moment. Nor _ever_, actually.

He felt like he was witnessing a natural phenomenon of some kind. It's not like he hadn't figured that he and his friends would date or get married or interact with women in a capacity other than as teammates some day. It was a normal part of growing up, and growing up was inevitable for everyone. But the fact that it had begun to happen to so many guys at once, with no warning, and always resulting in a total loss of reason...it bothered and confused him. Maybe it was their age, or maybe it was just the fact that it was spring. Something in the air. In the water. Nature forcing the fertile young people of Konoha to bond and get started on a new generation. But, whatever it was, it was annoying. And Shikamaru planned to fight it, if it ever appeared that he might fall victim to such manipulation. He wasn't ready to give the rest of his life to some woman, and when he finally did pick a girl and settle down, it was going to be because she was the smartest choice, and not because he'd gone woozy the first time a female had batted her eyelashes at him. It was nauseating even to think about.

Wandering through town, it became obvious just how badly the girlfriend virus had depleted the reserve of guys with free time to clean out deer sheds. Nearly everyone seemed to have paired off, and it took him an hour to scrounge up a couple of free ones: Naruto and Kiba. He felt like the three of them represented what was left of sanity in Konoha, although two unlikelier comrades probably didn't exist. Neither of them looked like they were somehow more mentally fortified against attack than anyone else; maybe they just hadn't been hit yet. Maybe it was inevitable. But Shikamaru only needed them to stay sensible for one afternoon. Tomorrow they could jump off a cliff with everyone else if they wanted to.

He led them toward his house, taking the long route so that he could stop by the hardware store first. But they'd gone less than a block when a female voice called out from behind them, stopping them in their tracks. Apprehension welled up in Shikamaru even before he turned to see Sakura coming toward them, hands clasped behind her back, a sickeningly cute smile on her face.

"Naruto," she said, except that wasn't exactly right. It was more like a little song, with some syllables held too long or sang too high. "_Naaaa_ruTO!"

Naruto looked as surprised as Shikamaru felt that such a voice should be directed at him. Except, unlike Shikamaru, he grinned a little, tentatively, as if it pleased him. And why any guy would find something like that enjoyable was beyond him. It sounded so gross. So...weak.

Sakura slithered up to Naruto like a pink-haired proverbial snake in the proverbial garden. She cocked her head to the side and glanced up through her eyelashes. "Are you busy?"

Shikamaru got the chills, but that was fine. Flirt all you want. Be as nauseating as you can. Naruto had already agreed to clean out the shed. So then why, why, _why_ was Naruto shaking his head with a stupid look on his face? A commitment had been made, here. And, whatever personality flaws Naruto had, he kept his promises.

Shikamaru faked a small cough, to try and catch Naruto's attention and remind him of his plans for the afternoon. But subtlety, apparently, was wasted. Naruto continued to gaze at Sakura, glassy-eyed, so Shikamaru tried the direct approach.

"Naruto. You're helping me today."

Naruto blinked, but Sakura was the one who addressed Shikamaru. There was nothing cute about her when she glanced at _him_; now she looked mildly irritated.

"What's he doing?"

"Cleaning out my deer shed with me."

"How long will _that_ take?"

"All day," he said through his teeth. So shove off.

Strangely, Sakura brightened at this. "Well, that's fine, then. He can take me to lunch, then come help you after."

Shikamaru opened his mouth to explain that it was _not _fine, he needed every hour of help that Naruto could give. But stuttering from Naruto's direction caused him to pause.

"S-sakura-chan," said Naruto. "Are you talking about a date?"

She rolled her eyes in a way that was just a pale, saccharine imitation of the way she used to, complete with fluttery eyelashes. But her smile told the real story. "Call it whatever you want."

Finally awake, Naruto jerked around to face Shikamaru. Shikamaru was already shaking his head. No. You can't desert me like this. Not for a damn woman. But Naruto's eyes widened in pathetic supplication, his bottom lip practically quivering. Shikamaru sighed.

"I guess..."

Sakura grabbed Naruto's arm with one hand and began pulling him away.

"I'll be there after lunch," Naruto said, in an unconvincing voice. He was _staring_ at Sakura, like Chouji _stared_ at his girlfriend, and Shikamaru knew, without knowing how he knew, that Naruto was gone. Just like Chouji and Lee. Just...gone.

And the number of workers was down to two.

He looked at Kiba, who was watching Sakura and Naruto with his nose in the air a little. Sniffing.

"What the hell is going on?" Shikamaru asked.

Kiba shrugged. "It's spring. Humans think they're so different from animals, but they're not."

Shikamaru searched him for signs of the "disease," trying to determine if there was a chance Kiba might be snatched away like Naruto had been. He seemed sane enough, maybe even a little perplexed, like Shikamaru. But Shikamaru had a strong urge to grab Kiba and run to the hardware store, tear through and head home as quickly as possible, avoiding any girl that might infect him. He didn't know how strong Kiba's defenses were; he probably didn't have his guard up as thoroughly as Shikamaru did.

"Let's get out of here," he said, forcing himself to walk away slowly, instead of breaking into a run. "This job just got a lot harder."

Kiba nodded.

They made it down several streets without running into any dangerous women, and the hardware store was just around the next corner. Shikamaru was beginning to relax. The hardware store was something of a home base for guys; they probably wouldn't be attacked by the opposite sex there. But right before they turned onto the last street, Kiba froze, nostrils flared. His eyebrows furrowed, then raised, as Ino came around the corner with her head down, muttering to herself. She was totally oblivious to her surroundings and Shikamaru was forced to quickly sidestep her, but before he could call out to her, she had smacked face first into Kiba's chest.

"Ow!" she said, looking up at Kiba indignantly and rubbing her nose. "Watch where you're going!"

Kiba's face reddened. "I _was_," he said. "You were the one barreling at us without looking!"

"I was _not_."

"Yes, you were. And you were talking to yourself like a...like a..." His eyes narrowed, as if he was searching for the worst possible insult. "...like a cat lady."

"Oh, _whatever_."

"That's _right_, whatever."

Shikamaru watched them nervously. Ino _was_ a girl, but she probably wasn't a real threat. She and Kiba fought like this sometimes; their personalities just clashed because they were both so outspoken and arrogant. But that was okay. Fighting was fine. He halfway hoped Ino would give Kiba a good hard slap. _That _would put him on the defensive.

Shikamaru tuned back in as Kiba was finishing some kind of angry explanation. "...because I heard you coming, that's why!"

"_Really_," Ino spat. "Then why didn't you move the hell out of the way?"

Then it happened; Shikamaru sensed it in the air, even before the corner of Kiba's mouth turned up in a half-grin, baring one sharp fang. The atmosphere had changed. They were still fighting with their words, but they were no longer convincing Shikamaru that they were angry. It sounded like playing.

"Maybe I _like_ slamming into girls."

"Well, that's...just..." Ino worked at her face, clearly trying to keep it twisted in anger. "You're an idiot!" But she was smirking, now. And Kiba was grinning back, and Shikamaru wanted to bonk their heads together to get them both to _focus_.

"Go away, Ino," he said. "Kiba and I have a job to do."

But he might as well have spoken to a couple of trees, for all the attention they paid him. They were _staring_ at each other, and Shikamaru wanted to barf. Kiba and Ino? Good god. Mother Nature must be desperate.

"What's got you so distracted?" Kiba asked. "Can I help you with something?"

_No_. This was not the time for Kiba to turn chivalrous. Go back to the fighting. The insults. Go back to being _Kiba_.

But Shikamaru couldn't even hear what they were saying anymore. There was nothing but buzzing in his ears as the horror film played out in front of him, where Ino was moving her lips and flipping her hair back and Kiba was straightening his shoulders and looking uncharacteristically concerned about whatever Ino's problem was and Shikamaru didn't even bother waiting. What was the point? There was only one way this could end. So he turned around and headed to the hardware store alone. Goodbye, Kiba and Ino. Goodbye free time. Goodbye to any chance that he would get to spend some part of the afternoon relaxing and enjoying his absolute favorite weather.

Screw you all.

Women. Troublesome and poisonous, the whole lot of them. And the guys were almost worse; they just rolled over and played dead at the girls' command. Sometimes Shikamaru didn't feel like he really fit in with his own sex. What part of the cutesy, flirty, lip-biting act was supposed to be attractive? Seriously. It wasn't. It was pathetic.

But, as disgusted as he was, part of him was still worried. It was easy enough to allow his pride to convince him that he was above all this stuff, but the reality was that nothing about it seemed logical. Maybe he was in just as much danger as any other guy. Maybe he'd blink, and the next thing he knew he'd be drooling and spineless over someone he never expected. Like Hinata or Shiho or god knows who else. The thought alone was humiliating.

With trepidation he covered the last few meters to the hardware store, allowing himself to exhale with relief once he'd gone through the glass doors. Safety. A quick glance around assured him that he was, in fact, standing in a girl-free zone. As he walked through the aisles, picking up cleaning supplies and a pane of glass and something to repair the doorknob with, he formulated a plan. A way to keep his wits about him until spring was over. It was problematic, but it wasn't anymore complex than keeping himself away from all single women until summer. Simple, but difficult. But it was necessary. And it may continue to be necessary every spring until he got married. But if that's what he had to do, he'd do it. He couldn't fall in love if there was no one to fall in love with.

He bent over to grab a handful of penny nails when someone spoke behind him. Too close, and definitely _female_.

"Nice view."

The voice wasn't sugary; it was sarcastic, but it alarmed him nonetheless. Mainly because whoever it was had snuck up on him, caught him off-guard, before he'd even had a chance to put his plan into effect. He jumped and spun around, coming face to face with Temari. She drew back, surprised.

"What's wrong with you?"

He tried to catch his breath. "You scared me. I thought you were a girl."

She cocked an eyebrow at him, crossing her arms in front of her. "Wow. Thanks a lot."

"That's not what I meant," he said. Of course Temari was a girl. He knew that; her girl-ness spoke for itself. But she wasn't one of _those_ girls. She talked like a man; he didn't have to worry about her flirting or trying to enamor him. She was safe. "I didn't know you were here."

"Konoha, or the hardware store?"

"The store, I guess."

"I just got here," she said. "It's the closest place to the inn that sells soda." She held up a can of red pop and waggled it back and forth, then eyed the armload of stuff he was carrying. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I have to do some work for my parents. Stupid shed."

"Shed?"

"The deer shed. It's going to take all day. Naruto and Kiba were going to help me, but they..." Bailed. Abandoned him. "...changed their minds."

"That's lame."

"Yeah."

"Well," she said, "I can help you if you want. I don't have anything else planned for today."

"Really?" he asked. He hadn't considered asking her, but if she was free and she wanted to, he wouldn't say no. She was probably a better worker than Kiba, anyway. "I can pay you. I mean, my dad will pay us."

She shrugged. "Whatever."

Hey, that was convenient. And ironic. A couple of ditzy girls had almost ruined his day, but another, not-ditzy one might help him salvage it. Good deal.

He paid for everything, then Temari helped him carry the bags toward his house. He glanced up at the sky as he walked, verifying that it was still a beautiful day.

Just give me a few hours, clouds. Long enough to deal with this damned shed. I'll enjoy you as soon as I can.

**O O O**

It took him a minute to work the shed door open, because it was so humid that it had swollen in the jamb and didn't want to turn loose. When he finally got it to swing outward a blast of hot, muggy air hit them both in the face. Steeling himself for the heat, he forced himself to step inside. Sweat immediately broke out on his forehead, running down his face instead of evaporating like it would have outside. It was like being in a stale, dark sauna, and it didn't help at all that he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and pants.

The shed was pretty small, and so jam-packed with tools and stuff that there was only enough room for him and Temari to fit inside comfortably. "Comfortable" was a relative term; it was too hot, dusty and disgusting for them to really be comfortable. Old cobwebs dangled into hair as he moved around.

"This will be fun," Temari said, "assuming we survive."

"No kidding," he said. He'd only been in there for about thirty seconds and he was already desperate for less oppressive heat of outside.

"We're going to need ice water," she said. "And maybe towels. You should get some."

He should have expected her to take over first thing. But she was right, so he left her to start whisking down the cobwebs and headed back to his house. He filled two pitchers with ice and water, got a stack of washcloths from the linen closet, and took a minute to change into clothes that wouldn't assist in his death by heat stroke. He had some shorter pants that he hadn't worn for a couple of years. They still fit his waist, but now his legs were long enough that they just came to his knees. As far as his top half went, he just took off the long-sleeved outer shirt, keeping on the fishnet. Had he been working by himself he would have gone bare on top, but that was too weird with other people.

He stuffed the washcloths and two cups under an arm and carried the pitchers out to the shed. As he got closer, he realized that he wasn't the only one that had seen the necessity of removing some clothes. Several pieces were strewn on the ground outside the shed, like they'd been discarded one after the other in a fit of irritation. There was her robe, folded right by the door. Probably the first thing she'd lost. A little farther away was her sash and long-sleeved shirt. Still farther was her skirt, and then, flung way out by the base of a tree, a pair of shorts.

Shikamaru slowed his walk. Taking a quick inventory, and bringing up an image of Temari in his mind, he realized that he couldn't picture an article of clothing that she would still have on. As far as he could tell, everything was on the ground in front of him, except her shoes and the fishnet things she wore on her legs. And possibly underwear. He inched toward the door, unsure whether he wanted to look inside or not. He set down the pitchers and cleared his throat loudly, although what that might accomplish he couldn't guess. It's not like it would make clothes magically appear if she wasn't wearing any.

It was stupid, anyway. There was no way Temari would be naked in his deer shed.

She stepped out, face damp and blazing, bangs matted to her forehead. She was wearing a thin white tank top, and a white skirt that was short enough to have been hiding under the other one. How women could wear so many clothes, he would never understand. The shoes and fishnet were still in place.

"Thank god," Temari said, pouring herself a glass of water. "It's sweltering in there." She quickly drained it, then led him into the shed. "I cleared out the spiderwebs and blew out some of the dust. So what do you want to do with the rest of this stuff?"

Honestly, his preference would have been to set the entire thing on fire. "We should probably take everything out, and then I'll be able to fix the broken window. We can organize it when we put it back in."

"Okay," she said. She reached up and fiddled with the strap of her tank top, untwisting it. It drew his attention to her shoulder, and made him realize that she had a sprinkle of freckles there. He'd never noticed that she had freckles. Or, more likely, he'd never seen her shoulders before.

"How much of this do you guys actually use?" she asked.

"Oh, uh..." He turned around and pointed to a small shelf beside the door, where the most important tools were kept. "We don't usually even come in here," he said. "Anything that you can't reach from the doorway can probably go."

"That makes it easier."

"Yeah. But there are few things in the back, supposedly. Family heirlooms that don't have anything to do with taking care of the deer. I don't even know why they're in here. But we can't get rid of any of that."

"How will we know?"

"We'll guess. I doubt my parents know any better what's back there than I do."

"Gotcha."

"For now let's just move everything out."

At first, getting things out was a long and arduous process. There wasn't enough room for Temari and Shikamaru to both be actively moving around inside the shed, so one would have to wait outside while the other wrestled something to the door. Only then could they both grab an end and put it some place out of the way. It was surprising how heavy and unwieldy most of the old tools were; no wonder they were no longer used. All the "antiques" were made out of iron or something equally impossible, and moving them was a huge pain in the ass. Plus, the heat was already getting to them, and they spent as much time sitting in the grass, panting and drinking water, as they did working.

But the weather was holding up, and Shikamaru allowed himself a moment now and then to lie on his back and soak it up each time he rested. The smell of rain was getting closer, but it wasn't a huge concern. Just an occasional shower. At this point, a shower would be great.

"C'mon," Temari said from the door of the shed. She was twirling a short pipe and grinning. "Let's get the lead out."

"You're hilarious."

She tossed the pipe aside and disappeared back inside, but not before Shikamaru had a moment to wonder about her stockings. From his position in the grass, he could see most of the way up her legs. But he couldn't see where those things began, only where they ended, down at her shins. Did that mean they were all one piece? That seemed like something that would be really uncomfortable to wear in the heat, or any time at all.

Temari's voice wafted out from the shed. "Are you coming?"

He laboriously climbed to his feet, setting his glass back beside his pitcher. "Coming."

It never failed to make him a bit dizzy when he first walked into the shed after a break. His body was rebelling against it all: the heat, the work...everything. But Temari was still going like a trooper, loading one arm with some smaller items despite the beads of sweat on her shoulders and neck, rivulets trickling down her back and chest. Despite the fact that her shirt was getting so damp that it was clinging to her body, making the movement of her muscles at her waist and back obvious through the fabric. Making the hem of her skirt inch its way up her legs. He still couldn't see the tops of her stockings; he was beginning to think that they _had_ to be one piece, or there would have been some sign of an edge by now. A place where stocking met bare thigh.

He reached up and wiped sweat from his eyes. It felt like his head was going to explode.

"Hey," said Temari. "Stop zoning out and help me."

"I'm _hot_," he said.

"Of course you are. I, on the other hand, _love _moving heavy stuff around in an oven. Spare me, okay?" She trudged past him, using her free hand to punch him on the shoulder.

More lifting. More moving under the weight of heavy, occasionally painful tools. The piles of crap outside the shed were starting to look to big too be put back inside it, which was a good feeling. Now there was enough room for a couple more people in the shed, and Shikamaru could finally walk around Temari without accidentally brushing against her every single time. So that was good. Less awkward, definitely.

"We're almost there," said Temari, standing with her hands on her hips triumphantly. "I think we're down to the heirlooms."

She was right. All that was left were household items, like a few pieces of furniture, or an oblong, dusty old mirror. He supposed Mom would want to keep these things, but maybe once she saw how warped a lot of it was, she'd give him permission to trash it. She wasn't much of a pack rat.

"Hey, that's kind of cool," said Temari. "The mirror, I mean." She walked over to it and reached out with her hand, trailing fingers along the top through the dust and making four parallel lines. She pushed on the top until it faced upward, then brought it back toward her. "You don't see these around anymore. You should really keep it."

"It's up to my mom," he said. "But if she doesn't want it, I'll tell her to give it to you."

"Yeah, right," said Temari. "I'll just carry it back home. No problem. Ready to move the dresser?"

The dresser took fifteen minutes to wrangle out of the shed, and it made Shikamaru seriously wonder if wood was heavier three generations ago. The exertion left him flat on his back, gasping for air, while Temari did her best to finish off what was left of her water by drinking it straight from the pitcher.

"Now I know why the rest of my clan avoided this for so long," Shikamaru said, once he was able to breathe again. "It's miserable."

For once, Temari didn't argue with him. She just nodded and wandered toward the shed, dangling her almost-empty pitcher by two fingers. "There's just a little more. We can do this."

"Yeah, but then we have to put it all back _in_."

"I'm trying not to think about that."

He didn't immediately move; he just wanted to rest for _one _more minute before finishing the last leg. But as he lay in the grass, eyes closed, a cloud moved in front of the sun and Shikamaru suddenly found himself very comfortable in the dirt and the shade. He began to doze, totally relaxed, totally unconcerned about anything in the grass that might crawl across him while he slept.

**O O O**

He woke up to a fat drop of rain, splashing onto his forehead.

He opened one eye, keeping the other squinted closed, expecting to see one of those small, gray clouds that brought spring showers. Instead, something large and black and far more ominous had sneaked up on him, threatening to downpour. He sat up, looking around for Temari. Where was she? How long had he been asleep? A glance at the piles proved that she hadn't moved anything out by herself; it didn't feel like he'd been out that long, anyway. But long enough for a storm cloud to move in.

It was going to rain. Really rain. There wasn't anything in the pile that truly concerned Shikamaru; the wood might warp, the iron might rust, but those were all the antiquated things that they didn't need. The tools that he and his father used on a regular basis were stainless, so no big deal. But it would be better if they waited until the rain passed before trying to move out the mirror and the other furniture.

He got up slowly and made his way into the shed. It was significantly darker in here now; not too dark as to be blind, but a lot gloomier than before. Still pretty hot, though.

"Temari?"

"Hm?"

She was sitting on the floor in front of the mirror, legs folded, leaning forward with her chin in her hand. In the reflection he could see that her eyes were half-closed; she looked like she was about to pass out.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing. Waiting for you."

"Oh."

"Have a good nap?"

"Eh. I guess. You look like you need one."

"I think I'm asleep right now, actually."

With nothing else to do, Shikamaru plopped onto the floor of the shed beside her, watching her contemplate the mirror with a bored expression. She reached out with her index finger and drew something in the dust near the bottom, and that's when Shikamaru focused on the mirror, instead of her reflection in it. There were pictures all over it, mostly of animals. Right in the middle, larger than the others, was a young, four-point buck, rubbing its antlers against the branch of a tree. It was simple but accurate, like she'd been tracing the reflection of an actual deer. Above it was a rabbit in mid-jump, and below the deer was something small and fluffy, maybe a rodent of some type. A skunk?

The skill level of her art impressed him, but the seriousness of the pictures was marred by the large, simplistic flowers that she'd drawn all around the animals, like a border. He couldn't help but laugh at them.

"Those flowers are so girly," he said.

"I'm a girl." She added another flower to the border at the bottom.

"And what's up with the skunk?"

She faced him, eyebrows pulled together. "I _like _skunks. They're cute."

"You only like them because you don't have them in Suna. Trust me; they aren't cute. They're terrifying."

"If you just came in here to make fun of me then you can turn right back around and get out."

"I'm not. I'm just saying. They're not cute."

She sighed and turned back to the mirror. "I was hoping to see a skunk while I was here. I heard that there are a lot of them in Konoha in the spring."

He nodded and leaned back, putting his arms behind him. "You might not see one, but I'm sure you'll smell one eventually."

"And a rabbit," she said. "I want to see a rabbit."

"You have rabbits in Suna."

"We have jack rabbits. You have bunnies with chubby cheeks and floppy ears."

He snorted. "Who _are _you?"

She said nothing.

"You want to see a deer, too?"

A shrug. One of the straps of her shirt slipped down her shoulder, and she reached up with the same hand to replace it.

"They're asleep right now," he said, "but I can show you some deer tonight, if you want. We'll probably accidentally run across a skunk, too."

"Okay."

"Do you just love animals or something?"

"Kind of."

The sound of the rain began to pick up, pattering loudly outside the door, the shed darkening so that it was no longer possible to make out the shapes of the animals in the dust. Temari's finger stilled against the mirror, her hand dropping into her lap.

"Those pictures were pretty good," he admitted. "Not that I know jack about art."

She smirked. "I know. I've seen the way you draw."

"Gets the job done."

"So," she said.

"So."

"Why did Naruto and Kiba ditch you today?"

"Look at all that crap we moved. Wouldn't you have ditched me?"

"I _didn't _ditch you."

"Good point."

"So...?"

"Girls."

"What?"

"They ditched me for girls."

"Oh," she said. "Well, you can't blame them. I would have ditched you for a girl, too. You know, if I was a guy. It's like..." She held up her hands in imitation of a scale. "On one hand, cleaning out a nasty shed. On the other, making out." She pretended to weigh the two options. "You know?"

"No, I don't know. They said they would help me. They didn't. That's all I care about."

"You should try to see it from their point of view."

"I can't. It's stupid to put girls before your friends."

She laughed and elbowed him in the ribs. Not as hard as she usually did, though, for which he was grateful. "If other guys thought like you, this would be the last generation."

"Funny."

"I'm serious," she said. "You can't take on Mother Nature and win, Shikamaru. It's impossible."

"Maybe not, but I'm not going down without a fight."

She chuckled and turned to look at him, eyes narrowed, a smile teasing at her lips.

"You're cute."

Something fluttered weirdly in his stomach. "Huh?"

"You're so stubborn. It's adorable."

He wanted to jump up and point at her and shout 'You take that back! I _am not _adorable!' But the look on her face kept him rooted to the spot. Her eyes were unblinking, the smile still dancing, as if she was trying very hard to remain serious and failing. The flutter in his stomach morphed into a quiver.

"So? You think skunks are adorable."

"That's true. I've been trying to decide what I think is more adorable: you, or a skunk. It's neck-and-neck right now."

The quiver was a full-fledged flapping, now.

"Gee, thanks," he said.

Suddenly, her smile was gone, replaced with a pensive look. When she spoke, her voice was quieter. Curious.

"I _think _I know what will give you the lead, though."

Her face got closer as she leaned in toward him. His stomach turned over, then over again, and her eyes began to close, and when she was only a couple of inches away his own eyes went insubordinate and closed as well. Two, three seconds passed before anything changed, everyone of his nerves grating on edge, anxious, anticipating. Then, when he felt the tip of her nose brush his, a million thoughts rushed through his head at once. _She's going to kiss me. _Temari _is going to kiss me, and I think...maybe...she's in her underwear. I am so, so stupid. I thought Temari was _safe_. I'm losing, I'm losing, she's not safe at all, she's one of them, she's on their side, and she's going to kiss me, and I don't know why I'm not doing anything to stop it. I should stop this. I can still stop it. There's still time. She hasn't done it yet, we're just really close together and she's breathing on me and it's warm but our lips haven't touched yet, I haven't lost yet, I can still get out of this. I just have to do something. Anything. Just...move. _Move_, damn it!_

He moved, cursing himself silently the entire time because he knew he was moving the wrong way, he was moving toward her. But he couldn't stop himself. And then their lips met.

The bottom of his stomach dropped out entirely.

They were still for an eternity, lips barely parted and touching, but unmoving. Then Temari kissed him softly, and he returned the favor, and soon they were kissing _each other_, at the same time. Together. And every one of his misgivings flew right out of his head.

This isn't bad, it's _right_. It should be strange; it should feel weird to be touching unfamiliar lips, but they don't feel unfamiliar at all. It feels like I've been kissing Temari my whole life. And, also, like I've never kissed her before. It's both.

Temari made a small sound of frustration and scooted closer to him, and he sat up enough so that he could put an arm around her shoulder. Soon he found his other arm going around her waist, and Temari's hand came up to the back of his neck. She was using _her _other arm to hold herself up because she was kind of reclining, her face below his, and he realized that he was supporting a lot more of her weight, now. He was...holding her.

And kissing her.

Her fingertips gently stroked the back of his neck, sending pleasurable shivers up and down his spine. He only remembered that it was hot in the shed when a drop of sweat rolled down his face until it was almost at their lips, and he drew back instinctively, his tongue coming out to catch it because his hands were occupied. He took the opportunity to look down at Temari, who gazed back heavy-lidded, and it occurred to him that he could hear her breathing; in fact, he could hear _himself _breathing. They were both breathing way too loudly. She smiled at him in a coy way, reminiscent of Ino and Sakura, except that their smiles had been weak, watery imitations of _this_. Temari's face wasn't sweet or flirty, it was mischievious and dangerous. It didn't say, "I'm coming to get you." It said, "I _have _you."

He felt pressure on the back of his neck as she pulled him back down to her, and his eyes closed again. But before his lips touched hers something surprised him: something warm and wet. The tip of her tongue, moving near the corner of his mouth, where he'd caught his own drop of sweat just seconds before. It was like she was tasting where he'd been, following his trail, but she continued on, her tongue slowly, slowly gliding along his upper lip, over the top, and back down to the other corner. The flapping was back in his stomach now, but now it was more of a twisting, aching feeling bordering nausea, spreading through his chest and down his abdomen. It felt great.

He drew her bottom lip into his mouth and tried to emulate her slow, torturous lick, which resulted in more writhing in his gut and an audible sigh from Temari. A sound made with her voice, instead of just her breath, and it drove him to be a little more aggressive than he meant to be when he tried to encourage her tongue back out. And when she opened her mouth wide, turning her head a bit until they melded together more perfectly, and the tip of her tongue met his, the tense aching spread to another part of his body altogether.

It was too hot to be doing this. Far too hot to be cautiously sliding his tongue against Temari's, then a little faster, then with a little less inhibition, then with a _lot _less inhibition as Temari's fingers on his neck held him in place and let him know that he wasn't going anywhere, everything he was doing was good and right and she was enjoying it all. Even when he tried biting her, just a little, even that resulted in a gasp and insistent fingers in response. It was too hot, and yet he wasn't positive that the waves of dizziness that were washing over him had anything to do with the heat at all. He was a man driven. Driven to do what, he didn't really know, but he was going to give it his best shot regardless.

But something about their angle wasn't quite right, so he shifted his body, moving his legs to the other side of her. He kept his lips on hers the whole time, unwilling to be separated from her even for a second. Now he could hold her in just one arm, and she didn't need her arms for anything at all. She was practically lying down now, her upper body in his lap, with him leaning over her. And her hand, instead of being behind his neck, was on his chest, touching him through the fishnet. Even better.

In fact, Shikamaru had a free hand now, and Temari had fishnet, too. He wasn't trying to be sneaky, exactly, as he ever so gently placed his hand on Temari's thigh; he was just trying to make sure he didn't startle her. And _her _hand stayed on his chest instead of coming up to slap his face, so he figured that was a mission accomplished.

But he was aware that this rough, patterned material under his fingers was not her skin. He tried to be happy with it, anyway, happy with the shape of her thigh instead of the surface, with the way he could feel her muscle flex under the fishnet when she moved, when he slipped his hand a little higher. It wasn't half bad, but it wasn't Temari. Not really. And he couldn't forget his curiosity about the tops of her stockings: how high did they go, and were they one piece or two? Maybe he could find out; his hand already seemed to know the way.

Her fingers traveled up his chest and neck to the side of his face, her thumb trailing over his cheek toward his mouth. She pushed him back just long enough to rub her thumb over his bottom lip, causing him to open his mouth a little wider. Then she pulled him in again and focused her kissing on his upper lip, keeping her thumb against the other one. His flicked the end of her thumb with his tongue, then her bottom lip, and his fingers crept a little higher on her thigh, under the hem of her skirt, until he felt...it. The edge of the stocking. They really were two pieces, which meant that only three millimeters away, no distance at all, really, was Temari's skin. If he moved his thumb, just that last little bit, she probably wouldn't even notice. All he'd have to do was straighten it, stretch it infinitesimally...

There. There she was. The real Temari; the one _under _the fishnet. He nervously, hesitantly brushed his thumb along the soft, perfectly smooth skin at the edge of the stocking, then his index finger slipped up beside it, to help. And then another finger...

"That's far enough."

Temari's voice was gruff but teasing, growled out against his lips. Without thought, his hand jumped back onto the safety of the stocking.

"Sorry."

She laughed. "Some fight you put up, there. I'm sure Mother Nature was quaking."

He should have some sort of comeback. An explanation...something. But he found that he didn't really care all that much.

"And there it is," she said.

"What?"

"That dopey grin. That definitely makes you cuter than a skunk."

"I'm not grinning."

"Yes, you are."

"Am _not_."

"You can't see yourself. You are."

He tried to control his face, squinting and pursing his lips in an effort to get back to normal, which only made Temari laugh harder.

So he kissed her.

Kissing was better than talking, anyway.

**O O O**

Hyuuga Neji stepped onto the Nara property right before sunset, looking for Shikamaru. He'd just gotten word about a mission that Team Gai would be leaving on first thing in the morning, but Gai-sensei was on another assignment. That left Neji with a spot to fill, and Shikamaru seemed like a good candidate. Intelligent, good work history, and the one chuunin in Konoha most likely to provide a healthy contrast for the lovestruck and fairly absurd Tenten and Lee. Neji needed someone like that, to help him keep his sanity on this mission. Someone he could talk to sensibly. There was no one better for the job than Shikamaru.

Searching visually would waste their valuable time, so he already had his byakugan activated when he came into range. And he found Shikamaru almost immediately. Except, for the first time in his life, he was disinclined to believe his own eyes.

He walked around the house, bringing _them _into view of his human eyes, so he switched back to visual mode to make sure he was really seeing what he thought he was. Shikamaru was with someone. A woman. Sabaku no Temari. They were sitting in his backyard, in the freshly soaked grass, far south of the house near the deer paddocks and a small building. Spread all around them were piles of trash and old furniture, but neither of them seemed to notice or care. In fact, "sitting" was a relative term, in this case. Temari was, indeed, sitting. Shikamaru was lying. With his head in her lap.

As he got closer, the image got stranger. Shikamaru's arms were were akimbo in the grass, the fingers of one hand invisible underneath the fabric of Temari's skirt. If you could call it that; Hinata-sama wore more clothes than that when she was swimming. How immodest. And how unlike Shikamaru to be touching a woman's leg, in public no less. And his hair was loose, which was was clearly an improvement; at least he was choosing to be conservative in _that _area. But Temari was touching his hair, combing through it with her fingers. Overall, the situation was not one that Neji could approve of.

Neji kept expecting to hear the strains of conversation as he approached, but it soon became obvious that they weren't conversing at all, despite the fact that they were looking directly at each other's faces. They weren't doing anything more than...staring.

They never looked up, never acknowledged him. He was standing right beside them, watching Temari begin to tuck a small wildflower into Shikamaru's hair, and still they said nothing. So he was forced to speak, in order to make himself known.

"Shikamaru."

Shikamaru also spoke, but not to Neji. He was completely ignored.

"Woman, what are you doing to me?"

"Making you pretty. We have to make sure you stay ahead of the skunk."

Was this some kind of code? The statement clearly held no meaning in and of itself.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Don't be a pain." But then he smiled, as if he didn't really think she was a pain at all. And when Temari began working on a second flower, he let the first one be.

Neji was getting a sense of foreboding. He'd seen this kind of behavior before, in Lee and Tenten. Except that it had been Lee putting flowers in Tenten's hair, and not the other way around. He couldn't decide which disturbed him more.

He raised his voice, although by now it was clear to him that talking to Shikamaru would probably be pointless. He didn't need a third team member getting distracted on this mission. But, he had to admit, being ignored was really annoying.

"Shikamaru."

His eyes finally flicked to Neji, widening a fraction. "Hm?"

"What are you doing?"

"Cloud-watching." His eyes drifted back to Temari's face, and Neji caught the shape of his fingers moving minutely under her skirt. She smiled.

Cloud...watching? With Temari's head right in his way?

"This seems like an illogical way to accomplish that."

No response from Shikamaru, nor Temari. And Neji didn't bother saying anything else. He would have to hurry, if he was going to find a fourth. There were only a couple hours left in the day.

He turned north, heading back into the village. The fact that Shikamaru was out of commission had really thrown a wrench into his plans. It seemed like _everyone _was out of commission this time of year, and it was getting old.

The image of Shikamaru's inconscient, unobservant face flashed across Neji's mind, and he couldn't resist a small shake of his head. Never in his life had he been more glad that the Hyuugas arranged their marriages.

**The End**

* * *

**Update A/N 9-05-09:** So, Shadow Owner raised a question that I thought would be good to address right here. She was curious as to why Temari found it necessary to get practically naked in the shed. (My words, not hers.) Isn't she used to the heat, being from the desert? The answer lies in the difference between a dry heat and a humid heat. In the desert, it's generally beneficial to keep all of your skin covered, because the atmosphere offers little protection from the sun. Also, because it's so easy to lose all of your moisture through evaporation into the dry air around you, keeping a layer of fabric around you can help keep you from dehydrating. However, those same clothes create something like a greenhouse effect in _humid _heat, which causes you to feel like you're steaming in your own juices.

So, in conclusion, nudity at the beach = good. Nudity in the desert = bad. Trust me. If you've ever done hard labor in the desert, you learn to really appreciate your long-sleeved cotton shirts and pants. Even when it's 115 degrees. Now, the fact that Kankuro, for example, wears _black_ clothes is totally unrealistic. Kishi's obviously never been to a real desert.


End file.
